Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Formerly Cute Capri Courthouse Nonsense.

It was the 8th of July in the year 2014. It was a quiet, relatively uneventful morning at the courthouse. I’d go so far as to say it was a little boring. Then something historical happened and now the events of the day shall forever live in infamy. In an unfortunate, yet hilarious turn of events, I became the MVP and entered the “Shame Hall Of Fame.”

You see, I've been attempting to mend some of my evil ways and have lost some weight. So…what had happened was that I had food poisoning or something equally heinous all night and was clinging to my ceramic bowl for hours. When I had to wake up about an hour after it stopped to get ready for court, I was not rested or in any way alert. I saw my cute linen black capris, wondered why I hadn't worn them recently,  quickly put them on (thinking how cute I was going to look today) and sat down to begin the tape, floating, caulking and spackle required for this woman of a certain age to be fit for public viewing. Grabbed my cute black sandals running out the door and off to the courthouse I went, ready to advocate for children.

As soon as I got out of the car in the parking lot, I remembered the “issue” with this particular ensemble. The dry cleaner had killed the elastic waist in my cute capris and therefore it was completely stretched out. Also last time I wore those shoes they were so slippery, I slipped down the stairs in church during prayer time (coming off of singing on the Praise Team) and caused a scene. This concerned me but I have worn the capris (on accident) with the elastic stretched out and nothing happened so I wasn’t too worried. I joked with my friendly neighborhood security personnel on the way in to keep the cameras on me because it could be the day they get their money’s worth.

I sat down on the bench in the court hall to wait for court. As time progressed, all the players gathered for my case. At last, it was time to move downstairs. I stood up and…it happened!!!!!!! I could feel air!!!! All around!!!!! My pants had fallen down in the Collin County Courthouse right there between County Court 6 and District Court 417. Yup. That’s right. I am not a small woman and my derriere did not have warning enough to get in shape. I’m quickly trying to pick up my pants before my humiliation is complete. No luck. No elastic means a bunch of fabric that is not easily manageable in an emergency situation. It was a full moon type of situation.

In times like these, your mind goes into slow motion and these were my thoughts:
1    1) Well that happened.
2    2) I sure wish this were someone else’s broad behind shining to the entirety of the Halls of Justice.
3    3) I’m super glad I’m old and can laugh at myself. Turns out I’m not someone who, in the words of the great Designing Women’s Charlene, goes down the freeway of life with the back of her dress tucked in her pantyhose. “ I am someone who goes down the freeway of life with her pants on the ground.
4    4) I sure am glad my shoes didn't slip out from under me causing me to crash my currently exposed backside to the cold hard marble and probably cause lots of sprains, strains and contusions. I could almost visualize…as I’m in midair falling…these blasted (no longer so cute) capris shooting right off of my body and down the hall like a rocket had launched them leaving me half nekkid on the floor waiting for paramedics. That would be worse.
5    5) I sure am glad I wasn't at the Children’s Advocacy Center surrounded by bunches of children. Pretty sure that would land me on “the list.”
     6) Sho am glad it's not a thong!
As I gathered my now enemy fabric, my posse instructed me to hold onto all sides! (No one wants a repeat, especially that poor fellow waiting for court who up until then was probably bored to tears. Now he’s scarred for life. Sorry potential felon. I hope that earned you “time served.”) The male attorneys (who shall remain unnamed) for some reason, chose to ride a different elevator. We made it to court but we could not stop laughing. I’m sure the judge wondered what on Earth had caused such behavior in otherwise professional people. As I was walking out of the courthouse holding onto those blasted ugly and now dead to me capris, I heard behind me, the musical stylings of two of my former friends, singing “Pants on the ground, Pants on the ground….” That folks is when I decided I need new friends.

You’ll be happy to know I did make it to my car without further incident. I got out of the car at home, and noticed my pants were on the ground again (sorry neighborhood.) SO I waddled it on inside hind quarters exposed and I kicked them right onto the doggie gate and hauled myself into my room for some real pants!
Now you may be wondering why I would ever tell this to you all. There are three reasons:
1    1) If you can’t laugh at yourself it’s a pretty sad day and more importantly…
2    2) There were witnesses. Oh so many witnesses! Some of them I just know are racing me for the story. Pretty sure it’s all over Collin County by now. You can probably find my now famous hind end on YouTube. If so, I hope I’m trending!
3    3) Last and most importantly, I knew diet and exercise could lead to no good. I knew it would ruin my good name in “the end.”

AND you’re welcome. And that MVP? It stands for “Most Visible Panties.” Bet your day is looking better isn't it?

1 comment:

Kristi Knauth said...

OH MY!! That is a great story! I know you are a wonderful advocate for children who need one and I know you do it with compassion and a lot of humor. It is awesome that you can laugh at your situation today...that is a lesson we ALL need!
Thank you for making my day so much more fun!