Donna Took Up Drinking? Nonsense!

I'm going to start this post with a warning: Some of you will be horrified at me after you read this saga. You will be so disturbed by the ways I treated your best friend that you won't be able to think of me the same way again. It's OK. I understand. It's not personal. However, because of the potential entertainment value, I decided to share with you the "inspired by true events" story of Donna vs Red Wine. That's right. For a whole five days, this Southern Baptist born and bred girl...took up drinking, came very close to breaking a good man, and offended everyone who knew about it. For different reasons than you might think.

I don't drink. I never have (more than a yukky sip or a delicious cruise ship hot chocolate-y thing) and I probably never will. I'm not a prude, nor is it really much of a religious issue. Because I often write on matters of faith here, I want to be clear on where I stand. No where in scripture does it say that drinking alcohol is forbidden. That water that Jesus turned into wine at the wedding in Cana was real wine. Not good Southern Baptist Welch's Grape Juice as many of us were taught. (I know...I was shocked too!) The Bible says not to be drunk and in scripture bad things happened to those who were drunk, starting with Noah in Genesis 9:20-23. If you're unfamiliar, look it up. As a good southern woman, I shy away from being shamed when I can, and Noah had a shaming that no good southerner could come back from! Lucky for Noah, he wasn't from below the Mason-Dixon Line. I'm just saying, y'all!

 I happen to have three very good reasons for not being a tippler. 1) Growing up, I watched it consume an uncle I loved, and I watched him destroy his life and the lives of anyone who was close to him, and often that included me. The man behind the drink was amazing when he wasn't drinking. His "habit" took his life  when he was much to young. Because this tendency already runs in my family, it has always seemed wise to abstain. 2) I think it could be confusing to some if I were seen publicly drinking because I've always been a non drinker. Starting when I was very outspoken about underage drinking in my "East  Texas dry county, nothing to do, underage high school days," a minority for sure, and also in my University of Texas days where every day was a party for almost everyone and being a Christian non drinker is NOT cool. I was cool with being not cool. I AM a Christian and people associate my faith and non imbibing with me. Scripture tells me not to cause anyone to stumble. This is MY thing, doesn't have to be yours. It's easy for me to avoid that because.....3) I can't stand the smell, the taste, or the fumes of alcoholic drinks. Even the hot chocolate-y things would have tasted better without alcohol, I thought. I've never tasted beer, but based on it's appearance I'm pretty sure it tastes like pee. If that's your bag, hey, I'm not judging. I just don't get it.

Now to get on with it. A few years ago I was struggling with terrible insomnia. Worse than usual. Mr. Perfect, who has a co-starring role in this story, had told me for years that a little wine would help me sleep. One evening I saw yet another news story about how a glass of red wine every day was good for your heart. As a woman who is fighting the battle of the bulge, er bulges, I realized that it might be good for my heart and my sleep if I took up the habit. The queen needs her beauty sleep, y'all! I can't be looking all "rode hard and put up wet!" A lack of sleep makes you ugly.  I am NOT going to "go gentle into that great goodnight." I'm fighting it with all my Southern spunk! I knew I didn't care for the taste of red wine because I didn't care for the smell but surely I could stand 5 ounces once a day. Surely. So, temporarily tossing reason number two aside, I looked to Facebook for advice. I have a lot of those wine aficionado friends so I asked them for a recommendation. They were all happy to oblige and a little surprised this teetotaler was taking up spirits. I got a lot of recommendations. I also got about seven (secret) messages from friends who are also nondrinkers asking me to let them know (secretly) if I found a wine I could tolerate. I had started a secret society! What followed broke the heart of my man and left him in a heap on the floor, lost me a few friends AND denied me a sweet gig as the "Worthy High Princess of the Secret Southern Baptist Wine Drinkers Society." (I made that up.)

Day 1: Perfect had stopped and picked up a highly recommended bottle of red. After dinner, I went and got a measuring cup and measured out 5 ounces, which I had read was the heart healthy "dose." My hopes were high that I would instantly be healthier and probably drop 50 pounds from my healthy lifestyle change that very night. I took one sip and gagged!!! That is some nasty stuff. I held my nose, and drank the rest even though it took me about 30 minutes, whining and saying "stuff" the whole time. I believe my status on Facebook for my friends said something about it tasting like "mold filtered through dirty miner's socks." How do people drink this on purpose? I was obviously not born to be sophisticated or classy. I thought I could at least fake classy. Nope. Not so much. Perfect was encouraging. It will get easier, he said. You did great (cough lie cough.) My Facebook cheerleaders were encouraging and gave me new recommendations. I concocted a plan for day 2.

Day 2: Perfect had picked up a new bottle of recommended wine because I had clearly rejected bottle one. I had decided that the problem was clearly the glass. I had just used an old plastic cup day one. So I got a glass wine glass for day two. Aren't I smart? Nope. Still tasted worse than anything I've ever had! So, much like day 1, I held my nose, whined, griped, said "stuff" complained and yelled for about 30 minutes until it was done. Perfect was probably wondering how this was helping my health since I was clearly raising my blood pressure. I was hoping it was good for that too. My Facebook friends were concerned that I still wasn't converted after day 2. I had written something like "swine swill fit for zombie mean girls that you hate." I formulated a solution for day 3.

Day 3: New bottle. Recommendation, etc. Y'all are catching on. No problem, I've got the perfect fix for day 3. I need it to be cold and numb my tongue so I poured it over ice. Perfect's face went red. He said some stuff about "how dare I?" He couldn't participate in this and left the room. So, hopeful but alone, I took a sip. OH MY NO!!! Ack, gag, gross! So nasty. Not better. I held my nose, yelled, stomped around and told that glass just what I thought about it for the next 30 minutes! My Facebook post that night said something about "If we took space aliens who were out to destroy us as POWs they still wouldn't deserve this worse than paint thinner junk" ....or something like that. I was un-friended by two of my besties who could hear no more. New idea for day 4, but I was losing hope.

Day 4: Perfect refused to buy me a new bottle. Something about a "waste of good wine" and he was "going to have to handle all my wasted bottles himself" and I'm pretty sure he accused me of driving him to drink. So....glass glass. 5 ounces of red nasty. What it needed was some sweetness. So I added sugar lots of it. About equal parts sugar and wine. Perfect LOST it, y'all. He was stomping, yelling, pretty sure he called me undeserving and wasteful! He told me the "wine" didn't deserve me. Whatever! I was about to have some delicious SWEET red wine. Then...DEAR SWEET GRANNY up in Heaven who told me not to take up drinking lest I come to ruin, you were right!!!!!! That was nasty! Not better!!! So yell, stomp, hold nose, 30 minutes, etc. Blood pressure rising, man losing his grip on the will to live. I believe my Facebook post that night was something like: "A spoonful of sugar does not help the wine go down." Also, I'm pretty sure I took to calling the wine some personal names and for that I'm truly sorry. I mean, I never met Mama Grape and I shouldn't have called her ugly. That was my bad. 4 more Facebook friends "disappeared."

Day 5: I got this now. I just need a combo deal. So I grabbed the measuring cup and measured out my 5 ounces of old wine because Perfect still refused to purchase new wine. Poured it in a glass. While Perfect was at this point probably consulting an attorney about having me put away, he was equally curious about what was left for me to do. And he was nervous. Very nervous. He said something about how he couldn't stand to watch it. So...I took my glass of wine, reached for the sugar, stirred in less than the night before. Perfect blew the top of his head right off, y'all! Not to be deterred, I went over to the fridge, added ice to my concoction and... "Perfect, Perfect!! Are you OK?? Wake up! Honey, are you in there? Should I dial 911? Help!" He was in a heap on the floor, twitching like he had been shocked. Eventually I got him back but that was a close one! He almost missed my "nose holding, stomping, 30 minutes, etc ritual." My Facebook post that night said something about "How neither ice nor sugar were still my friend" and that the next night I would be mixing in delicious iced Dr. Pepper." Also, I'm pretty sure I said something rather judgy and not very Christian to all my wine drinking friends about their taste level being lacking. Again, that was my bad. I meant to say OTHER wine drinkers that I didn't know. 7 less friends. Oops.

Day 6. I have a plan. Um, where's the wine? Perfect, barely recovered from the previous evening, sat me down for a talk. An "intervention" if you will. He said he didn't like me when I drank. That we couldn't afford my habit and if I didn't stop, he was pretty sure I was going to die. He didn't say the words exactly, but I distinctly get the feeling he meant he might have a hand in my passing. He said I had to give it up for the sake of our marriage and he couldn't keep "cleaning up" my leftovers. He pointed out that I was obnoxious to my friends and they too were concerned. So, I've given up my drinking habit for the good of my family and my Facebook friend count. I now get fired on Facebook for entirely other reasons. It's been several years now and I think I've been forgiven. I told a friend this story the other day and I had another genius solution. I told her I should get a box of wine, freeze it and then just cut off a chunk every night. I just invented WINESICLES!!!! Let's see if Perfect goes for it. I'm not real hopeful.

Well, I think that's what occurred. I may have embellished a bit. The memory is fuzzy. That's what happens after 5 straight days of drinking...5 ounces a day. It gets you in trouble. So I'm back to delicious Dr. Pepper on the rocks. To those of you who went through this with me and still love me, I thank you. It was a hard period for all of us but we made it through.

Where Have All Of The Old People Gone?

I had a conversation last week with an older gentleman I deeply respect about an issue that was troubling my heart. A personal issue that I couldn't seem to find the answer to, no matter how hard I searched or prayed. He was able to lay the wisdom on me and give me a very detailed answer to how to best handle the issue and he did it without pause. This is a man who is a mature Christian (married to a mature Christian woman) and was active in every kind of church leadership for most of his adult life. The key word is WAS. I am blessed to have access to such wisdom. However, that kind of wisdom is hard to find in today's church. I will explain why (from my point of view and in a circle as is my way) and end with some questions I hope you will help me answer.

Disclaimer: I grew up in the Southern Baptist Convention so it's all I can speak to. The following is likely not applicable to other denominations and certainly not all SBC churches or seminaries. Just a generalization from my point of view. Double Disclaimer: If you're a fan of the Church Growth Movement, you should probably not read the rest of this post or you'll want to pummel me. I really don't have time to get pummeled right now.

It seems to me that we, the Church, have hung out a "not welcome" sign for the people of my parents generation and older. We've told them we don't need their "wisdom." The same people who raised us, discipled us and who led the church for many, many years have been programmed out of churches. Or at least in some places they have. They are very uncomfortable in a modern worship service. Where I live, I can't find them. There is an Assemblies of God church here that is "marketed" specifically to those over 55. I can't get behind that either. Why lock all of that wisdom up in one place?

 In a way, it's kind of their own fault, I suppose. They created the "Church Growth Movement" of the 60's which planted the seeds for the "seeker-sensitive model" and other "models" which led the church to decide to be more "cool" and "relevant" and "relational" and less discipleship oriented. The "growth" in the CGM was numerical (butts in seats and cool new buildings)  instead of spiritual maturity. The church began to grow in number but not in the Great Commission way...interestingly enough, while calling it a move of the Great Commission. Obviously this is a vast simplification of one part of the whole story.

As my generation rose up to leadership we decided we knew better. We didn't like the "fuddy-duddiness" our parents passed down to us in a church service or even church programs. We liked youth camp and conferences and the like. So we set out to re-create that experience in our worship services. (Again, an oversimplification.) We kicked hymns to the curb. They're theology, but no fun. We adopted a contemporary Christian guitar and drums rock band style and sometimes even played secular music in "worship." We changed the unofficial-but you better not break it- dress code, even for pastors. We even changed pastors. Gone are the old men teaching Bible. In are young men who are personalities and can draw a crowd. We changed the exegetical and expository preaching and brought in life application preaching that is entertaining and useful to anyone, not just Christians. We made church mostly about non-Christians and made sure they were comfortable. Seminaries began to teach a non-literal Bible. We hated business meetings so we became pastor led leaving all of the church's decisions to one man and probably a young man at that. We focused more on programs, especially for young children because the Church Growth Movement says you must have mostly young families to "grow" your church. People became less vested in their local body because if one church doesn't meet their need, they can shop for a new one that better meets their family's needs. So leadership got in to the marketing game.

Today, churches now have demographics and visions and branding and marketing and consultants telling them how to reach the people they've decided to reach and how to raise giving and all sorts of useful things. We've become a consumer driven Church just as the society has become a consumer driven society. We have kept up with the times. The church now mirrors society. Even our divorce rate is the same as the world's. Not all of this is good nor bad. I do believe it's led to the issue at hand for the purposes of this post.

Where have all of the old people gone? In my adult life I've only attended one local church that had more than a handful of old people. And by old people, I mean people in their 60's and up. Not necessarily OLD people. In every other church where they had the handful, they were not in leadership. One church had a few in leadership left when I was there but ushered them out pretty quickly by deciding to rotate deacons off and let them stay off. They were told they'd earned their rest that they didn't ask for. Change can be good no doubt but we still need wisdom in leadership and sometimes that comes through the grey hairs. One church had a retired pastor in the congregation who wasn't even allowed to be a deacon. He would have like it, as far as I remember from the long ago conversation. But all of that experience was never made available to that local body by their own choice.

My heart grieves for the man I conversed with last week. He and many of his ilk are no longer in church. After a lifetime of service to his Lord and his church, he can no longer attend a worship service or even Sunday School. He taught Sunday School for many years, has the most biblical knowledge of any man I know, yet I bet his Sunday School class is taught by a thirty year old. The music in a modern worship service is an affront to his senses. The preaching is confusing. He already knows how to live and doesn't need to be taught to be a better parent from the pulpit...if there were still pulpits. He loves scripture. The dress code of today is offensive. Who comes to church in their pajamas? People really do these days.

So here are my questions and I hope you can help me.

1.  If you are over 60, are you still in church? If so, are you still growing there? 
2. Does your church emphasis discipleship? If so, is it also growing numerically?
3. What is the style of your worship service? (ex: contemporary, traditonal, blended?) 
4. What is the model of your discipleship? (ex: Sunday School, small groups, home groups, cell groups, mix)
5. What are the specific things that your church does to value the folks your age? Regardless of your age.
6. Do you have old people in your church? Do they/ you participate in leadership? Is it their/ your choice, either way?
7. Do you know the old people in your church or do they keep to themselves?
8. Do you know the youth (students in middle school -college age)in your church? Do you know the children in your church? 
9. Do all age groups manage to blend together into one church or do you feel that everyone does their own thing?
10. Do you feel welcome in your church? If you bring a guest, will your guest be welcome?
11. If you've been to seminary, how to they address this issue...or do they address it at all?
12. What sorts of sermons does your Pastor preach? (ex: Expository, Life Application, Motivational, mix?)
13. What else would you like me to know about your church that applies to the concerns at hand? Elaborate

I'm in no way endorsing a consumer church for old people. I'm not saying change everything to please them. I'm obviously not going to solve this one. I'm just trying to gain understanding about something that bothers me. I personally need children, youth and old people in my local body. I was in a church once with no youth and it was sad. They had old people and the old people "legislated" the youth right out of the church. So I understand it's complicated. But I'd love to hear from you. People generally don't leave comment but I'm hoping that you will choose to leave me feedback. You don't have to answer every question, just the ones you find relevant. Even if my views differ from yours. I'd love to be wrong! Educate me.

I'll end with some irony and scripture. The SBC is dying. Literally. Quite a while ago they decided to mold themselves to look like everyone else. So young people are deciding to not stay in SBC churches because they likely never knew they grew up in one. For that reason (and others) statistically the SBC members are dying off and not being replaced. What was once the largest is now shrinking in a big hurry. Because all they have is old people. Yet I still can't find them. Figure that out. I can't. 

"Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days."  Job 12:22

"Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone."   Psalm 71:9

"The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair."  Proverbs 20:29

Time to re-visit the Easter Circus!

It's getting close to Easter. The time of year where Christians pause to remember the death of our Savior and praise Him for the sacrifice. We are humbled by the price paid to redeem our souls from hell. We spend time in meditation thinking about the heart of a Father that would sacrifice His only son for such unworthy beings. This is the holiest of all of our Christian holy days. Without Easter, there would be no reason for any of the rest. Or a Church. Or anything else in Christendom.

So why do we also cheapen it with taking as much "Church" out of church as we can, dumb down our messages that day or use it as an excuse to inflate our rolls (remember "Great Day in the Morning," Southern Baptist Church Growth Movement?) I've been disturbed by what I refer to as the "Easter Circus" for many years. So this week, I thought I would re-post a couple of my Easter posts. Be warned, they are a bit rant-y. I intended to go back and edit these but that hasn't happened yet (because I up and got myself a life. More on that later.)

This first post is from way back in 2009. This is not about any one local church and more about the universal Church. I love the Church, I love MY church, God has called me to the Church, I serve in a Church (that has changed since the original was written, you may notice) I am not attacking the church in any way, but I do feel the need to sound the alarm: CHURCH, WAKE UP!

Rants...Easter Circus...Rant...Regenerate Membership- After rereading this there is so much more I'd like to say. Some of the ideas need to be better fleshed out and better explained, such as "hospital for sinners not haven for saints." I will probably re-write this one some day soon, but for now, if you know me and know my heart, you'll understand it.

Disclaimer: The usual disclaimer also fits here. These rants are my own, the opinions are my own and may or may not reflect the feelings of Mr. Perfect. Please don't hold him responsible or accountable for the opinions of his saucy, spicy, super cute, "question-asking-tell-it-like-it-is, strong-warrior-woman, stream-of-consciousness-blogger for Jesus" wife.

Rants...Easter Circus...rant...regenerate membership

You know I've been concerned about the state of the church for a long time. I've written about it very vaguely and not specifically because there are a lot of places you can read about statistics and churchy stuff and if you look at what is happening to some of our denominations, you might be surprised. I don't get into theology and doctrine here because there are so many others out there doing a great job of it. Trust me, while I love this stuff, I'm not qualified to be a "theology" blogger. I'm a "question-asking-tell-it-like-it-is, strong-warrior-woman, stream-of-consciousness-blogger for Jesus." I don't think this makes me worthless to the kingdom. I am about as conservative in my understanding on women in ministry as you can get, or so I thought. More on that a little later.



***Note: I'm going to talk to the church here. If you're not a member of "the body" I'm going to politely ask you to close your eyes and hit the X . Thank you. I'm talking about the "SBC church universal" not necessarily my local church, so if you are reading this and getting huffy, ask yourself if your local body could be a bit guilty. The SBC is all I know, so I can only speak on it and not other denominations. Some of them go too far the other way. There is also much more good than bad, I believe, but this isn't a post about the good. But I defend them, ask anyone.***



Mr.Perfect is constantly telling me that just because I have something to say doesn't mean anyone wants to hear it. He's right 99.3% of the time (the other .7% is when he disagrees with me.) So I've been making a concerted effort to keep the majority of my concerns to myself. I think this is giving me an ulcer, and making me cranky and frowny. I never know who reads this so I have in the past been very careful what I say so as not to offend anyone. If you know me well, you know that offending people is one of my spiritual gifts (I'm kidding, don't get offended.) It is never my intention to offend anyone but sometimes being "plain-spoken" is offensive. I think being purposely offensive and mean is wrong. So I am truly not trying to offend you but I think the following needs to be said. I was hoping someone else would say it for me, but it looks like it's gonna be me. (Of course.)



CHURCH, FOR REALS? WAKE UP!

1) We seem to be mostly concerned with how many butts are in the seats and on the rolls. The Southern Baptist Church (my people) are very proud that they are a body of churches with a regenerate membership, yet many of those believers can't be found. We keep them on the rolls forever, whether we've seen them in 20 years or not. Some of them we see the day we dunk 'em and not again until we plant 'em. This keeps our numbers up. Does Jesus care if we are the largest denomination? We like to make mega-churches that are full of pastor worshipping people. Because some of our churches are personality driven, not Word driven, we can have a dunk 'em and ditch 'em mentality. The thought at those churches is that there is no need for discipleship other than the preaching because a) only the pastor can be trusted to know the Word well enough to teach it and b) we can't ask people to give their time to come to church and learn the Word, they are too busy these days. I call foul!



2) We call ourselves New Testament churches. The New Testament church (correct me if I'm wrong) was a church of believers. It was a tough time for believers, but the church (body not fabulous building) was their home. We've become more concerned with being sure that the unbeliever is at home and comfortable in our buildings than making a home of any kind for believers. The unbeliever should always be welcome (not in leadership...I can't believe I have to mention that) but never comfortable! If I hear one more time that the church is "a haven (or hospital) for sinners NOT a home for saints" my head just might explode!!



3) The Holy Spirit doesn't need us to throw a circus for Him to be able to do His job. Did your church have a (figurative) circus for Easter? Did you hire (figurative) clowns and(figurative) tight rope walkers to come? Did you have the Easter bunny come out and hide eggs so that the "lost" will come and bring their children... so then you can sneak up behind them with a pool of water and dunk em? OK, admittedly that's a little extreme. But how far is too far? Is paying $100 to the church member who brings the most visitors going too far? Is giving a gift to everyone who comes to your church going to far? Is paying people $10 per hour to attend your church going too far? I wonder how churches survived before they discovered the "seeker" model?



4) Women are precious to Jesus. They seem to be less precious as leaders to the SBC. I don't believe women should be pastors. I feel the Word is clear about that. I struggled with having a woman as worship leader and one of my dearest friends is one...kind of. Because she's in a SBC church, she does all the work of a worship leader. She has more musical talent than the rest of her church all combined, but she isn't allowed to be called staff or even have the title "Worship Leader." Her ministry has no input when plans are being shaped. She has a whole lot of responsibility but no authority. Men in her position are staff.



5) No one ministers to women like another woman. I believe that it is a very specific and God-called ministry. In the past 14 years this is where I spent the majority of my time. I've noticed a trend. If you feel God has called you to be a Women's Ministry Leader and your husband is not in ministry you will likely have a hard time. I suppose God only calls people to ministry in pairs. I've witnessed this several times now personally and so I did a little research. There is a feeling among some Pastors that only women who have a "quiet and gentle spirit" are fit to serve. I wonder if this is because if you're a meek and mild mouse you will just do as told and not make any waves or ask any questions? If you are a "question-asking-tell-it-like-it-is, strong-warrior woman for Jesus" you may be feeling like a heathen headed for hell because of your personality. This has been true for me, but it's also true for many others. Jesus sure seemed to have a different attitude toward women than many churches.



I have more to say, but this seems like a good stopping point. If you're offended, please leave me a comment and give me some insight. I'd love to have some understanding of the "why" or some scriptural backup for any of it. I'm that cranky old man and I'm tired of all this junk on my lawn! And, reluctantly, because of all this and the fact that being frowny makes wrinkles, I must put my beloved SBC ON NOTICE! (I'm sure other denominations are on notice too, but I don't have first hand knowledge and this was family business.)