Thursday, September 25, 2008

Terry Lawson is ON NOTICE, and my plan to Donnaize The Biggest Loser

I have a confession. I love reality TV. I know you are surprised, I seem so much classier than that, but it's true. Plus, with economic uncertainties and a looming college bill, I'm worried that Donna is going to have to get a job. (I'm sorry, I blacked out there for a minute. I haven't worked in almost 19 years and the prospect terrifies me.) So as I sat here watching one of my favorites, "The Biggest Loser,"...on TIVO with no commercials, of course... I got really mad at Terry! I was going to win that money, become a huge celebrity (complete with my own paparazzi,) and save myself from having to become a productive member of society! But not now, NO. First, they won't cast Terry and second, they can't cast me until they redo the show.

I'm watching the show and thinking, "I could soooo kick that Jillian's behind! I wouldn't stand there and watch her talk to me that way. I would snap her like a twig!" Then, after she comes around to my way of thinking, over chicken fried steak, we would be snarky, sarcastic besties. I know her life will never be fulfilled until I get on the show and show her how she could stand to gain a few. Then she wouldn't have to be so cranky. Everyone knows you can't be all angry and eat cheesecake at the same time. She is a few hot fudge sundaes away from happy. There would probably be fewer pounds lost, but I bet it would be more fun and still good TV. I don't think I want to be besties with Bob. He is too touchy feely for me, and we all know I am not a huggy girl. **shudder**

This is where Terry comes in. I realized as I was watching that they have done two seasons of couples now, so that must be their new thing. Darn him and his healthy eating, gym working out, fabulous body having ways. It was already difficult for the rest of us to keep up bad eating habits because he does the grocery shopping. (Disclaimer: If you read my last blog post, you know that I already know that our bad habits are wrong. That would make the answer to your question....YES! I know I am being a hypocrite and if you really knew me you would already know I'm OK with it.) Now, I love the way he looks. I have to admit that, in the past, I tried to chunk him up a bit because he works with mostly women and I can't be sure that they are all old and ugly. So, I tried to make him less cute, but: 1) it's not possible, (He's a cutie no matter what) and 2) back to those healthy eating gym going ways. It didn't take. So I am going to have to put Terry Lawson ON NOTICE! We could have won $250,000 and I could be a star if he would have just pursued a less healthy lifestyle. I just know I would have been the show's breakout star and be saved from an uncertain life of possible gainful employment!

They would have to make lots of changes to accommodate my "eccentricities." First, I wouldn't be caught dead either on a scale or in that get up they make contestants wear to weigh in. Not only would I not do it on national television, I wouldn't do it all alone in my house in the back bathroom, lights off, with a towel shoved under the door to muffle my screams! Uh, uh. No way. Not happening. That would have to go. Also, all that exercising won't work for me. I walk around...OK sit around... barely breathing as it is. God gave me this asthma as a "birth"day present, so I assume He never wanted me to be a gym rat. I've done it in the past with almost fatal results. So, all that exercising is going to have to be cut wayyyyy back. I'm thinking a nice karaoke contest for immunity. Trust me, the other fatties on the show will thank me. They don't want to keep hauling it all the way up a mountain and back down again. Oh yeah, Allison Sweeney will have to be recast. I'm not sharing the screen with her. I'm gonna need them to cast an uggo. Oh, and we will also be trying to sneak some Jesus into the show because, well, it's what I do. I'm going to have to be promised that I can be either the blue or purple team because I look great in those colors and they both work with my eyes. I would consider black in an emergency because of its slimming effects.

I'm going to need them to bring in the chef that Oprah had when she lost all that weight. She ate good and still swunk up. That's what I'm talking about! Still healthy eating, just not cardboard eating. Plus, I'm not about to be cooking for all of those people. There is no way they will be broadcasting my weight. I'm just going to have to tell them how much I weigh, and how much I lost and they will just have to take my word for it. I don't care if everyone else weighs in. They should have negotiated a better deal. Another thing, I don't care to share a room with other people at "The Ranch." I don't know them like that. I'll need my own room and bathroom with a jacuzzi tub. (Karaoke might make me pull a muscle. It's for health reasons.) Since Terry won't be with me, I'll need that couples thing to go, too. Most importantly, I will not be crying and whining on camera about my weight. 1) I am never mistreated or my face, and that's all I really care about. 2) I don't cry. It's one of my things. My maiden name was Cryer, but I just can't live up to it. So, I will be spending my confessional time probably whining that it's too hot and wondering why they can't film in Texas? Finally, they are going to have to remove the words "biggest" and "loser" from the title. "Biggest" is just rude, and since we are all made in God's image, we will not be "losers." Let's be honest, under my new rules no one will be a loser in any sense of the word. I'm thinking a nice new name like, "The Donna Show," would be good, but I'm still kicking around titles.

This is my plan. Remember, this is all Terry's fault.

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